I've always been loving and giving but never maternal; I love children, but having a child was not an aspiration of mine, even though my first choice for a career was to be a teacher for young kids!
Ok... I promised to be honest... the truth was that I was scared; terrified of becoming a parent. My mother who I dearly love (she has since passed) suffered from, what I thought was solely mental health issues. She was later diagnosed with a terminal illness called PSP, which is when your brain stem dies off (you can learn more about this here Progressive supranuclear palsy - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic). Even though she was both kind and generous, she had an extreme side to her that was both cruel and violent. From a young age I was always on edge, not knowing when she would flip to her dark side. As a child I loved her unconditionally, but I feared her & that is what scared me - I knew sadly that she didn't have the strength to break the cycle that she herself grew up in, so what chance did I have?
& while so many people told me that I resembled my mother (which is a blessing ‘cos she was so beautiful), my younger self also thought that there was a possibility that I inherited the not so good side of her too. This led to my internal battle with the theory of Nature vs Nurture. Nature, being you're born to be a certain type of parent (your genes, what you've inherited), or Nurture which is based on your environment & experiences, that make you who you are.
So, I went into overdrive – determined to beat the odds, & take the good from the bad that I was raised in. After going through the shocking realisation that once giving birth, I couldn't put my boy back inside me (OMG 😱), it hit me as I was lying on the hospital bed – super high on morphine after an emergency C-section; that this little wee being was totally reliant on me. & from there, any self-doubt and insecurities were overtaken; faded away by a sense of overwhelming & unconditional love, which helped automatically kick in my natural parenting instincts. My baby was mine, and all I knew was that I needed to protect and care for him. I had to do my best, which was the beginning of my obsession with Jo Frost (UK The Super Nanny), to help me bring up the perfect little human. I now had a tangible purpose - I had just left a career to have my son, to begin my new career as a mother.
Years on, & life is still a journey of discovery and learning – still with parenting and finding out more about me. Recently I was able to make significant changes in my life. I was struggling with trying to find clarity because my life started feeling stagnant, and I couldn't move forward. I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts & insecurities. I thankfully recognised that I NEEDED help! I didn't have the time or money to seek professional help locally, but I did have Dr Google and YouTube, and on YouTube, that’s where I found Dr Joe Dispenza! 🙏
With the help from Dr Joe Dispenza who specializes in neuroscience, I learnt how to re-wire my brain. It does sound quite complicated, however one of his well-known quotes, "Your Personality Creates Your Personal Reality” was my AHA moment! It means that our personalities shape our brains and how we act, react & behave when dealing with what life throws at us, creating our own personal reality. So, when I stopped allowing past personal traumas affect me, leaving the past in the past, this allowed me to free up my mind for great things to flourish.
I truly feel for my mother's generation, who didn't have the support, knowledge or technology that is now available for all of us; to get the advice & help needed, when we're struggling not only as parents, but generally. & for this, I’ll never be angry with my mama ‘cos I could see that she was also a victim of her own cycle & honestly, I can say hand on heart that she was full of regret. But with the bad there is the balance of the good, and I have inherited her unwavering optimism and humour, which I can see I have passed on to my son. Even though she didn't break the cycle when parenting my sister & I, she did with my son & nephew. She was full of unconditional love for them, their safe space, & supplier of contraband food🤣 I'm so proud of my mum for being their beloved Narni (Indian for grandmother) who they both cherish & miss to this day! 😇😍
What I am amazed about as I weave through this crazy journey of life & parenting, is the power of the human spirit - how we can all transcend adversity. We all deserve to turn up as the best versions of ourselves. For me, I work on this every day; sometimes I'm successful, and some days not, but this cycle of self-awareness and accountability is a cycle that I'm not willing to break! I'm human so I make mistakes, but I've learned to be kinder & forgive myself. I now can recognise my triggers - I own them. I try not to make excuses; I'm simply committed to just doing better. I wish I knew this years ago as a new parent, it would have stopped me feeling scared to become a parent and a failure when I didn't live up to mine & others' expectations as a mum, & a human.
21 years ago, I thought I wasn’t ready to be a mum, but DAMN, I surprised myself & I know I’ve broken the violent cycle of past. I was born to be a mum, ‘cos love and understanding conquers all! My love is named Elijah Luca, sprinkled with the best & worst parts of me and his dad, has his Narni's twinkle in his eyes! The other 90% is pure OG – which makes me stupendously proud (& a regularly frustrated mama!)
If some of my journey hits & resonates with you, I'd recommend you read Dr Jo Dispenza book: Evolve Your Brain: The Science of Changing Your Mind Evolve Your Brain: The Science of... by Dispenza DC, Joe (amazon.com) & honestly, there is no shame in seeking professional help if you need to - you're a hero if you do - & I say that with a lotta heart ♥.
Wow... that was probably as tough to read as it was for me to write🥺 I will finish with my favourite quote from Dr Maya Angelou,
“One isn’t born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.” 💝
On a lighter note, my next blog is a must read, 'cos it's on Looking back - what should have been on my baby register list? This should help all of you who are new to the parenting game, some lessons learned my end, and what is actually relevant when it comes to 'must have’ nursery products- you may even be a bit surprised at my thought process!
'Til then folks!